I applied for emergency SNAP benefits today. Food stamps, by the name I know them. Supplemental Nutritional Assistance Program is a better name, but my brain has its habits.
Applying for government benefits is always humiliating for me, even though the people helping me through it at the agencies are always really nice about it. It just always feels like I’ve failed. Before, I would feel like I had failed my child. Now it feels like I’ve failed myself.
Which is ridiculous, really. I kept my kid fed and housed and enrolled in a good school with only $420 a month support from her father. I did the rest myself. Well, no, not myself. I always had friends and support systems helping me out. No one does anything by themselves. The kid got free lunch at school. I had housing assistance for the last year. Friends lent me money and bought my books and things like that. We lived with my Mom for two years.
I was used to living hand-to-mouth. I was always leaping from one lily pad to the next, keeping us afloat. At some point in the middle of it all, I came across a symptom list for panic attacks. I realized that I was basically always having a panic attack.
Last year, I got to relax a little. I was in the nice house, buying groceries without fear of humiliation at the cash register, traveling, subscribing to magazines, joining organizations, donating money. I felt safe for a bit. I thought I was safe.
Now I’m leaping again. Just me this time. The kid is out in the world and amazing.
You get SNAP benefits from the Department of Transitional Assistance. Another good name. I am going through a big transition and I am grateful for the assistance.